|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Where Are The WMDs? (Hint: Follow the Oil)Bush officials now believe Hussein may have used "Star Trek" technology to hide weapons
The search begins, of course, in Iraq, which President Bush and various members of his administration have accused of having WMDs. As the war has wound down, some have criticized the fact that all of Iraq's oil wells were immediately secured by the U.S. military while ancient artifacts and nuclear materials were left unguarded and allowed to be looted by Iraqi civilians. Now, it appears that guarding Iraq's oil may have been more closely tied to the search for Iraq's deadly weapons than was originally thought. "We now believe that Saddam Hussein figured out a way to hide their weapons of mass destruction inside the oil wells," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Top U.S. scientists have, in fact, confirmed that Iraq's top physicists had indeed developed a process whereby nuclear, biological and chemical weaponry -- some of which weighed several tons -- could be converted into a lightweight petroleum compound, which could then be easily stored inside of Iraq's many oil wells.
America's top physicists have attempted to duplicate the experiments, but so far have had little success. "You have to understand that Iraq has been working on this technology for years and years so they have quite a headstart," said Dr. Henry Claiborne, the chairman of the physics department at the Massachussetts Institute of Technology. "It's my understanding that Star Trek has been in reruns over there ever since the late 70s, so on the whole they're more familiar with how the whole transporter process works." The existence of the "transporter process" has caused the Bush administration to take a different approach to securing Iraq. "It means we've had to secure all the oil wells," said Rumsfeld. "That's the most important thing. By securing the oil wells, we make sure they can't come back and re-acquire their weapons because, as I understand it, the transporter process works both ways. You can turn oil back into a nuclear bomb by simply pressing a button." The discovery of the transporter process has also caused the Bush administration to re-evaluate its plans for the Middle East. "We believe that Iraq's scientists may have shared the transporter technology with neighboring countries, so it is absolutely essential that we take control of and secure all of the region's oil supply," added Rumsfeld. "This means, of course, that we'll eventually need to go into Iran and Saudi Arabia." Fleischer added, "By taking control of the oil and making sure it comes back to America where it is consumed on American highways, we can make the world a safer place." Rumsfeld had no other comment on when invasions of Iran and Saudi Arabia would begin. |
As the search for weapons of mass destruction continues, a startling
new discovery has critics of the Bush administration on the defensive.
"As I understand it, it works a little like the 'transporter'
did on the old Star Trek TV show," said Press Secretary Ari
Fleischer. "You have two pods. You put the weapons in one
pod and an empty container of some sort in the other pod. You
press a button and the weapons de-materialize right in front of
your eyes and the container in the other pod is filled with a
black petroleum-like substance that resembles oil."