Simpson To Join Search For Missing Weapons

Former Football Great/Killer Will Help Look For Elusive Weapons of Mass Destruction

In a move that has surprised even the most deeply embedded White House insiders, the Pentagon today announced that former football great and accused double murderer, O.J. Simpson, had been added to the team searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

"We think he's going to be great help to us," said General Tommy Franks. "He's in great physical shape, and everyone knows he's been searching high and low for his ex-wife's killers for years, so we know he has keen searching skills."

Exactly how the idea of adding Simpson to the WMD search squad is unclear. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz believes the idea originated with his colleague, Richard Perle. "We were sitting around figuring out how we could find all those weapons and Perle said 'why not get Simpson involved?' and that's pretty much how it happened."

The idea of deputizing a man many believe guilty of double murder, even though he was criminally acquitted by a Los Angeles jury, has baffled some critics.

"I think it's absurd," said Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Ma.). "We're supposed to have the best trained military in the world and they need O.J. Simpson's help? Someone's off his meds over at the Pentagon."

But, Wolfowitz defended the decision. "He's a good runner, so if someone's trying to make off with some weapons of mass destruction -- you know, making a run for the Syrian border or something -- and it's a foot race, we'll have a real advantage with the Juice on our side."

In response to whether Simpson would be armed, Wolfowitz was more circumspect: "No decision has been made on that yet. Maybe we'll let him have a knife."

Simpson himself was ecstatic about the opportunity to join the Iraq effort. "This is the perfect opportunity for me to rehabilitate my image to the American public. I just hope it's me that finds those weapons of mass destruction... "

As to whether enslisting the aid of a man many believe guilty of a murder would tarnish the reputation of President Bush or the Republican Party, Wolfowitz was quick to emphasize that the "Republican tent is a large one, big enough to accomodate almost anyone, as long as they're not gay."

Those close to Simpson have said that his relocation to Iraq won't be that difficult for the former football star, due to the rigorous search routine Simpson has employed for the past few years. Simpson reportedly wakes up every morning, has breakfast, then begins another day's long search for Nicole's killers.

The search often takes Simpson to the golf course, the country club, or to a nice restaurant with his kids. After a brief afternoon nap, Simpson usually resumes the search, perhaps at a day spa or a local watering hole, until darkness falls. On occasion, Simpson has even been known to continue the search well into the evening hours at local night clubs or any other location where the killers might be hiding.

"I feel confident that those weapons will be found," said Wolfowitz, "and wouldn't it be just dandy if O. J. was the one to find them? It would make the perfect ending to the perfect war."

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