Poindexter and the Futures of Death

Bush administration official proposes terrorist waging scheme

The Bush administration found itself with a political hot potato this week, with the revelation that the Department of Defense has been planning to institute a futures market that would reward investors for predicting catastrophes. The plan, condemned by lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, forced the resignation of Admiral John Poindexter, the primary architect of the plan.

The market Poindexter proposed would permit investors to bet on political and economic events in the Middle East and would work similarly to a commodities market. Instead of betting on the price of pork bellies, though, investors would bet on whether various Middle East leaders would be assassinated, how many victims would die from suicide bombs, and the locations of the attacks.

When word of Poindexer's plan was leaked, however, the entire scheme came crashing down, and Poindexter was forced out of his job as head of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency's Information Awareness Office.

"I think it's disgraceful," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "What we wanted John to do was something simple, like compile a DNA database of every person living in the United States, and what we get is some grisly game of death."

An anonymous source within the Defense Department was even more critical of Poindexter, stating "that old coot's missing more than a few marbles."

According to this source, Poindexter's plan was to operate the "death market" less like Wall Street and more like Las Vegas.

"He planned on having odds assigned to different events. You know, 8-to-1 that there's a suicide bombing in Israel. 20-to-1 that Al Qaeda takes credit for a terrorist attack. It was crazy," said the source.

It also appears that morals czar William Bennett, who was scandalized when his gambling habits were revealed, had been tapped by Poindexter to be an oddsmaker. Bennett would not respond to the Inquisitor's requests for interviews.

Poindexter, who along with Oliver North, spearheaded the "arms for hostages" program a dozen years ago that later became the Iran-Contra scandal, returned to private life, but not before defending his controversial program.

"I really thought it would be a way to stir up interest in world affairs," said Poindexter, "and generate some economic activity that's been missing for the past two years. By my projections, our plan would have produced 71% economic growth while the Bush tax plan is estimated to produce only 4%."

"This administration is not interested in generating economic activity," said Rumsfeld, when apprised of Poindexter's comments, "and God knows we don't need any more bad publicity."

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