Jessica Lynch Mulls Offers

Big media offers the young private the moon and the stars

An unprecedented bidding war has broken out among the major networks for the rights to interview war hero Jessica Lynch. Some critics have labeled the bidding "unprofessional" and "unbecoming" of major news outlets.

The Inquisitor has learned some of the details of the offers received by Private Lynch:

• Fox News reportedly offered her $1,000,000, a co-starring role in the next Arnold Schwarzenegger film, a regular slot on Aaron Spelling's new television show "Baghdad Nights," and a chance to co-host a talk show with war hero Bill O'Reilly
• CNN is said to have offered a like amount of cash, a music recording contract on the Warner Bros. label, an office building in Atlanta, and four of Tucker Carlson's bow ties
• NBC offered up Courtney Cox's role on "Friends," the CEO's position at General Electric, $5,000,000 in cash, and the ice rink at Rockefeller Plaza
• ABC offered a 25% interest in Disneyland, the Mighty Ducks hockey team, and four of Sam Donaldson's toupees

The winning offer, however, came from CBS, which offered Lynch the opportunity to replace Dan Rather on "60 Minutes," as well as the chance to compete on "Survivor: Baghdad," which will begin filming in August, 2005. CBS sweetened the pot by making Lynch a co-host of the David Letterman show and giving her stock options that are projected to be worth $10,000,000 when the next round of media conglomerate mergers take place.

Lynch was ecstatic over all the attention she has received, although she still maintains that she can remember nothing of her time in Iraq. Her silence has allowed the Bush administration to provide its own version of her capture and daring escape from her Fedayeen captors, although much of the White House story contradicts the accounts of eyewitnesses.

"It no longer makes any difference if she really was captured or rescued or even if she was in Iraq at all," said CBS president Leslie Moonves, "America recognizes that she's a hero and CBS will be reminding them of that for the next few years. She could easily become the next Richard Hatch."

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