Homeland Security Hits a Home Run

Illegal aliens, possibly terrorists, posing as Wal-Mart janitors arrested and deported

The Department of Homeland Security earned its stripes this past week with a stunning raid of Wal-Marts across the country. In the course of the attack hundreds of illegal laborers were arrested and threatened with deportation.

Most of the workers were doing maintenance and clean up at the giant retailer's stores. Federal authorities announced that there was no resistance to the raid, as most of the workers simply dropped their brooms and mops and left with their government escorts.

"This is a major development in the war on terror," said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. "Many of these people are in this country illegally, which of course means they could well be plotting terrorist activities against our government, which means they could be part of Al Qaeda sleeper cells, and that all adds up to Osama bin Laden."

While Ridge could hardly contain his joy over having busted the Wal-Mart janitors, ACLU attorney Beth Rodriguez expressed her doubts as to Ridge's terrorism links.

"These people come here to work, to better their lives and the lives of their families," explained Rodriguez, "they work hard at jobs that most Americans don't want to do and they get paid very little for it. Besides, most of them are Roman Catholic, not Muslim."

But, Ridge was not swayed by the ACLU arguments.

"These people act like they don't speak English, they act like they're just hard working souls who have come here to chase the American dream, but we see through that clever facade," said Ridge. "We fully believe that there was a master plan devised by Bin Laden or Hussein to infiltrate American commerce with Al Qaeda operatives disguised as immigrant janitors."

Surprisingly, Wal-Mart, which prides itself on offering lower prices, in part because they have lower labor costs, has not been implicated in the scheme.

"We see no need to drag a good American corporation that offers such great prices through the mud," said Ridge. "We think it's most likely the company itself was duped by the ingenious schemes of Bin Laden or Hussein or whoever is behind this."

Wal-Mart was a major contributor to President Bush's campaign in 2000.

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