Iraq Welcomes New Leader

Liberated Iraqis Get First Taste of Democracy

Retired General Jay Garner arrived in Baghdad, marking the official end of Saddam Hussein's 26-year reign of terror and heralding the arrival of democracy and freedom.

Garner, thought by some to have been appointed by the U.S. government to oversee Iraq, was actually elected in what is being called the country's first "free election" in nearly fifty years. Thursday, April 17th, U.S. warplanes dropped thousands of leaflets on Baghdad announcing Monday, April 21, as election day and inviting all citizens to the polls. Ballots gave voters the choice of several candidates, including a handful of Kurds, a number of Shiites, and even a member of the deposed Ba'ath Party, known only as the "Jack of Hearts." Garner ran as a Republican on the ticket.

Election results turned out to be inconclusive, with the Kurds predictably carrying the northern areas of the country and the Shiites polling strongly in the southern Iranian border regions. General Garner received considerable support in Baghdad, where large numbers of coalition troops are still stationed. With none of the candidates getting a majority of the votes, the election was settled "American style," with the United States Supreme Court handing down a 5-4 decision appointing Garner as the new Iraqi leader.

Many Iraqis were understandably confounded by the democratic process that brought an American to power in the mostly Muslim country. "It's a classic case of the underdog winning," remarked Congresswoman Katherine Harris (R-Fla.).

But others weren't so sure. "The ballots were very confusing," said one Iraqi voter through an interpreter. "First, they were all printed in English and not many people here can read English. Plus, the holes didn't line up right. I wanted to vote for Ali El Muhammad Haddad Moustafa and I think I actually voted for the American."

Several Iraqis appeared to confuse the Republican candidate with popular American actor James Garner, who was familiar to those that own television sets. "I think Rockford be good leader," said one young man in broken English. "The Rockford Files" still airs in prime-time on Baghdad TV and was reportedly one of Saddam Hussein's favorite shows.

After some debate among members of the Bush administration and the conservative members of the Supreme Court, it was decided that Garner should not simply be known as "General Garner." According to Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, "It just doesn't mean much over in that part of the world for someone to be called a 'general'. Generals are a dime a dozen."

"We needed a more forceful title," added Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, "one that the Iraqi people would respect."

As a result, General Garner will officially be known as "Ayatollah Garner, Supreme Interim Freely Elected Ruler of the Liberated Iraqi Republic."

"It's a mouthful," said Garner. "I hope people will just call me Ayatollah, for short. I'm really just a normal guy. I intend to put on my robe just like any other Arab man."

Some questions have arisen as to the term of Garner's "interim" government. White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer commented, "It's an interim government. Interim means a short but indefinite term. It could be years. The last interim government in Iraq lasted from 1979 until last month."

One of Garner's first steps will be to name cabinet members to assist with running the new government. Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has been mentioned as a possible Energy Secretary, with control over Iraq's lucrative oil reserves. Lay, who could not be reached for comment, appears to have lobbied heavily for the Iraqi position, as Iraq has no extradition treaty with the United States.

From his temporary offices overlooking Baghdad, Garner knows the task of rebuilding Iraq into an American-styled democracy won't be an easy task. "First, we've got to get the new palace finished, so I can get properly situated. Then, we've got to get new statues erected and replace the old Hussein mosaics with new ones. I look a lot younger in the mosaics. The artists really did a nice job. Then, I'm going to have to hire some body doubles, just to play it safe. Oh, and eventually, we need to think about getting water and electricity into the city."

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