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Bush Pretends To Be "Top Gun"Dramatic Landing At Sea Signals End of War; Reporters Overcome With Joy President Bush gloriously landed on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln last week in a fighter jet, an event widely hailed by both Fox News Channel and the traditionally more objective media as a "moment of victory." The President hopped out of the cockpit, looking every bit the part of a war hero, and was greeted by rousing cheers from the sailors on board. He gave a "thumbs up" to the cameras and a broad confident grin. The scene on the Lincoln was, in essence, a victory celebration for the President's war triumph over the evil regime of Saddam Hussein. The word "victory" was not used by the President since to do so would require the withdrawal of U.S. troops and the release of POWs under the Geneva conventions. Instead, a large banner hung from the ship simply proclaimed: "Mission Accomplished." What exactly which mission had been accomplished was unclear, however, since Saddam Hussein is still at large, weapons of mass destruction have yet to be found, and Baghdad is a state of chaos. But, this was not a day for such questions. "This has been a dream of mine for a long time," said the President, clearly excited in his address to the troops. "Ever since I saw 'Top Gun.' I've always wanted to fly in one of those jets and have a nickname like 'Iceman' or Maverick.' The crew of the Lincoln satisfied both of the President's wishes.
"It means a lot to him," said chief of staff Karl Rove. "Three years ago, his dad promised him he could be President, he could have his own war, and he could fly in a fighter jet, so you can see how important this was, not only to the President but to his father as well." The crew of the Lincoln has been away from their homes and families for ten months. Their scheduled return home was delayed so the President could land on the large carrier. Yet, surprisingly few crew members minded staying at sea a few extra days to help the President realize his dream. "Commander Bush deserves the right to land on the ship, even if it means I don't see my wife and kid for another week or two," said an emotional Private John Reese. "After all, he risked his life during the Vietnam War keeping the skies over Lubbock safe from the Viet Cong. It's the least we could do to say 'thanks' for serving your country." The cost of the extravaganza was not immediately available but was estimated to have been in the range of close to $500,000. "Sure, we could have saved a few dollars by having it at the base," said Rove, addressing the cost issue, "but then the President would have been denied his chance to fly. Plus, we've been wanting to create a backdrop for some killer campaign ads for next year, and this provided the perfect opportunity, without dipping into our own campaign funds."
CNN's Miles O'Brien wore a bright red and white jump suit for the occasion with his station's logo emblazened across his chest. As he concluded his report, he raised his arms in a "V" and yelled "Go Bush!" while performing a perfectly executed scissor-kick.
President Bush rejoined his family immediately after leaving the Lincoln. The other crew members are scheduled to return home this week. |
In addition to the dramatic flight and landing, the crew presented
their Commander-in-Chief with his own helmet, inscribed with his
official nickname: "Smirk."
Thankfully, none of the media noted the irony that the President,
who skipped out on his last year and half of service during the
Vietnam War, was using the military as a prop for photo opportunities.
Instead, most of the reporters on hand
appeared mesmerized by how dashing the President looked in his
flight suit.
CNN's Carol Costello,looking like a teenager with a schoolgirl crush,
told viewers that Bush reminded of her of a slightly older Tom Cruise. Costello
concluded her comments by performing a somersault and giddily
proclaiming Bush to be the "commander-in-chief of the free world!
Yay, Bush!"