Ashcroft Turns Attention to Porn

Attorney General promises to take a hard look at obscene material

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced this week that two small pornography vendors in the San Fernando Valley of California have been charged with violating the nation's obscenity laws. According to sources inside the Attorney General's office, the arrests signal the beginning of an all out war on pornography that Mr. Ashcroft intends to pursue.

Sources close the Attorney General say that pornography has always been near and dear to his heart but that he has not been able to focus on it effectively in his first 2-1/2 years in office. That's all about to change.

"We're focusing just about all of our resources on the porn industry now," said Doug Richter, one of Mr. Ashcroft's closest aides. "The Attorney General believes that terrorism is finally under control, Al Qaeda is history, Hussein is gone, the anthrax attacks are close to being solved, and the war on drugs has been successful. This leaves us with lots of free time to pursue Mr. Ashcroft's real passion: pornography."

Those inside the Justice Department attest to the fact that Mr. Ashcroft is a dedicated follower of pornography trends and is prepared to bring the full weight of the government down on obscenity merchants.

"He covered up one statute of a partially dressed woman in the Justice Department because when the press took pictures of him giving a speech, you could see the bare breasts of the statue in the background and Mr. Ashcroft said it made him look like he was in a nudie bar," said intern Skip Turner.

The companies accused of pandering porn have produced titles such as "Shaving Ryan's Privates," "American Booty," and "Star Whores." The Attorney General was personally present when warrants were served on the offenders, and copies of the films were personally taken by Mr. Ashcroft to his office in the Justice Department.

"He's a tireless opponent of pornography," said Turner. "Some days, he stays in his office long after all of the staff has gone for the night, watching movie after movie to decide which ones really are obscene."

"He's there day and night, sometimes on the weekends too," confirmed Richter. "If I was a porn merchant, I'd be afraid. Very afraid. I'd start looking for another livelihood."

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