Not Rocking the Vote

by Mabel Perry
December 7, 2003

I have had to suspend TV privileges for my grandson, Ricky, after what he's been watching this past week.

The other day, Ricky had the TV on that music station channel. I think it's called "Empty TV." I asked him what was on and he said they were having the new "P Diddly" video on or something. I don't know what any of that is, but he likes it.

They had a commercial on for something called "Rock the Vote" and I told Ricky I didn't know what that was. Ricky said that it was all about rock stars trying to get young people out to vote. I told him that it was great that young people were out trying to get George Bush reelected and he said, no, they weren't trying to get him reelected, they were trying to get him unelected.

Well, now, you know I was appalled. I told Ricky that George Bush was a good President who had given us two really good wars. But he said young people didn't see it that way. For some reason, they don't like the wars. I told him to turn off the TV and to go to his room.

I picked up the phone and called Margie McCune from the church and told her about this "Rock the Vote" thing. She said she couldn't believe I let Ricky listen to rock music and watch Empty TV. She said most of the music was inspired by Satan and the Democrats and that she heard President Bush was trying to get it taken off the air.

I was so upset at this. I never imagined devil music in my house on my own TV. I called Ricky back in and told him never to turn on that music channel again. He didn't like that but I was firm. I told him he could listen to country music or gospel if he wanted to but not any more of that P Diddly. I told him he should find a group that supports the President, not Satan and the Democrats.

Later on, he came back and told me that he found a group that supported George Bush. It was called "Steal the Vote." Then, he ran off laughing. I don't think he was telling me the truth, but I never can tell with that boy.

• Jessica Lynch's Naked Truth (November 16, 2003)
• Help! The RIAA Is Suing Me! (September 11, 2003)
• The President's Saudi Ties (July 31, 2003)
• Gorilla Warfare (July 24, 2003)
• Reefer Madness (July 17, 2003)
• Black Russians (July 10, 2003)
• Pornographic Survivors (June 26, 2003)
• Those Partying Bush Girls (June 12, 2003)
• Picking Iraq's New Leader (June 5, 2003)
• Cheney to Be President Again (May 22, 2003)
• Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around This (May 8, 2003)
• Sponges As Contraceptives (March 5, 2003)
• No More Survivor Idols (February 28, 2003)
• God Punishes Sinners (February 25, 2003)
• God Faith and Taxes (January 10, 2003)

by Mabel Perry
November 16, 2003

I heard some very disturbing news this week and it concerns Jessical Lynch, the private who was captured and then rescued in Iraq.

My grandson, Ricky, told me that Jessica had posed naked for some photos. I told him that was wrong because she's a war hero and they don't do things like that but he told me he thought it was right.

I called up Tula Winterbrook to ask her if she had heard anything about this, and she said Ricky was right. Jessica did take her top off and let people take photos of her. Tula says they might be on the internet soon but she didn't know for sure. She told me I'd better be careful about letting Ricky look at the internet by himself. I guess I should but he sure does like to sit in his room for hours at a time with the door shut looking at that thing. He says he's doing his homework and that he needs to have privacy so I just leave him alone.

Anyhoo, back to Jessica Lynch, Tula says that the photos were given to a man named Larry Flynt, who writes a magazine called "the Hustle" or something like that. I don't think I've ever seen it. It doesn't sound like something I'd read, but Ricky might like it.

So this Larry Flynt has these photos but he's decided not to put them in the Hustle because he doesn't think they're appropriate for his magazine. I think that's wonderful. I don't think people ought to have naked photos taken of them and I'm glad Mr. Flynt feels the same way. Maybe I will show my thanks to Mr. Flynt by buying a subscription of his magazine for Ricky for Christmas.

In the meantime, I'm hoping is that Jessica will use this opportunity to get her life back on track. I know it must be just terrible to be captured by Arabs like she was and to be tortured and but the true moral character of people is revealed when the chips are down. Moral people keep their clothes on at all times. If anything, Jessica should have learned this lesson by now.

by Mabel Perry
September 11, 2003

I am in big trouble and I'm not sure what to do about it. I hope one of our readers has a suggestion.

The trouble all started when I got something in the mail telling me I was being sued by the Recording Industry Association of America. I have never heard of such a thing. I've never been sued before. But, this piece of paper I got in the mail told me I was a "defendant" and it said I was stealing music. I almost fell out of my chair when I read that.

The first thing I did was call the police and ask them if I was under arrest. They were confused too. I explained about the paper and offered to turn myself in. One young man asked me if I had ever stolen music on the internet. I told him certainly not, I'm a Christian. This all had to be some big mistake. Then, he asked me if anyone else used my computer.

So, I asked my 13 year old grandson, Ricky. I went into his room and he was sitting by himself at his computer. I asked him what he was doing and he said something like "loading M3Ps". I showed him the piece of paper and asked whether he'd been stealing music from the internet. He said "no grandma, I'm just loading these M3Ps," so I told him OK.

But, I still have this piece of paper and it says I have to go to court in a few weeks. There is something about me having stolen 6,000 "music files." I had to call Bernice Swallows from the church to ask her what a "music file" was. According to her, it's some kind of tool used with music. I knew Bernice would know because she really likes the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and has several of their records. I like them too but I like all church music.

You know, I used to sing in the choir at church, until it turned out that the choir director was homosexual. I know that's hard to believe, it being a church and all. Well, we prayed for him and tried to get him to change his ways but when he didn't, we did the Christian thing and kicked him right out of the church.

Anyhoo, I'm not sure what to do with being sued. Aside from the time I got arrested for putting up yellow ribbons around the trees to support the troops and didn't have a permit, I've never had any problems with the law.

If anyone can help me out, I sure would appreciate it. Maybe someone who owns a "music file" knows what this is all about because I sure don't and I think it's terrible that they're picking on me for something I didn't do.

by Mabel Perry
July 31, 2003

At church last Sunday, I was serving coffee at the deacon's meeting, which took place after our regular evening service. I happened to overhear some of the men talking about how we got attacked on September 11th and how sad it was.

One of the men, George Weaver, then said something about how President Bush and his father have done a lot of business with the Saudi Arabian government in the past and they were all commenting on President Bush's "Saudi ties," which caused me to wonder.

I have always been a staunch supporter of President Bush. He has shown time and time again that he cares about the poor and unfortunate almost as much as he also cares about the wealthy and very fortunate. He's a very fair man in that way. He's also a very smart man, but I have decidced that I too have some concerns about his Saudi ties.

If what I overheard at the deacons' meeting is true, the President is buying all of his ties from Saudi Arabia, which just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I didn't even know people over there wore ties. I thought they were robes and head bands and rode camels. I've never seen a man in a tie riding a camel before.

Once, I went to a carnival with my grandson, Ricky, and they had a camel that you could ride. Ricky asked me the difference between the camels that have one hump and the ones that have two. I told him the difference was one hump. He started snickering and kept asking me questions about camel humps. Every time I said the word "hump," he would just giggle. I guess kids at that age are easily entertained.

Anyhoo, I asked Edith Horton if she knew anything about the Arabian ties because Edith is a seamstress. She makes all her own clothes, and some of them look almost as good as what you can get at the mall. She said most ties were made of silk and that she thought the Italian silk was really good. She didn't know much about Arabian silk or ties.

I'm sure there are lots of good tie makers right here in our country, and I know the President has to look his best. If the Saudi ties are that good, maybe he deserves to wear them. I just think he could also have a few American ties too for wearing on those days when he doesn't have anything real important to do and he's just relaxing around the White House.

by Mabel Perry
July 24, 2003

I overheard some people at church talking last Sunday about the war that we had in Iraq last month. I thought the war had ended when the president landed on the aircraft carrier a while back but I guess it's still going on. Somebody said that some of our soldiers were still dying over there, which I find very sad.

I believe the term they use for this is "gorilla warfare." It's where some of the soldiers who weren't killed by our guys in the main part of the war stick around and keep trying to fight by sneaking around and blowing our guys up. That's how Josephine Mercer described it to me. It sounds about right.

I don't know how the gorillas are involved. Maybe they use them as decoys. You know, our soldiers see a gorilla out in the open and think that maybe he's gotten loose from the zoo and they start to chase him and fall into a booby trap.

My grandson, Ricky, says gorilla warfare is where the bad guys dress up in gorilla costumes and try to act like monkeys, just to fool our soldiers. He said he saw something like that on TV once, where guys dressed up in ape suits. I don't know. It doesn't sound right. For one thing, where would they get all those gorilla costumes? I could see a costume shop having one or two gorilla costumes on the rack but you're not going to have a very good war with just one or two gorillas.

The Bakersfield Zoo has a gorilla. Her name is Patsy. I know because our sunday school class went to the zoo on an outing last year. We went in the church bus and Bea Wiggins had to sit in front on account of she has trouble with her bowels. No one wants to sit anywhere around her.

Anyhoo, we had such a lovely day at the zoo, looking at the birds and the monkeys and lions. We had just gotten on the bus to leave when someone noticed that Bea wasn't anywhere to be found so we got off the bus and had to look for her. Someone said to check in all the bathrooms and, Sure enough, she was in the ladies room next to where they keep the goats. Margie Hildebrand said the goats smelled better than Bea did.

Well, the war is apparently still going on, so don't be surprised if you hear about more fighting. I do hope it all ends soon, for the sake of our soldiers and the gorillas too.

by Mabel Perry
July 17, 2003

Here in California, we are facing a real crisis. It's so bad that we are having to replace our governor with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As I understand it, the problem has to do with the legalization of marijuana. After church last Sunday, I went to Mimi's Cafe with Dolores Blassingame, Edna Freeman, and Myrna McDonald. They had a lovely special of meat loaf and potatos. I didn't know there was a season for meat loaf, but July must be it, because the waiter really said it was good and it was. Dolores ordered the chicken cordon blue, which she always gets. Myrna, Edna and I all got the meat loaf, which I though was wonderful although Edna said it gave her gas.

Anyhoo, we were talking about our governor, Gary Davis. He legalized marijuana for "medical" purposes a few years ago. It was just a terrible thing to do. I mean, why do sick people need to smoke marijuana?

Myrna said that marijuana can make you lose your mind. She told us about an educational film she once saw where this young man smoked pot and proceeded to dance like he had lost his marbles. He couldn't think straight and then he tried to get his other friends to do it too. I think she said the movie was called "Reefer Madness," whatever that means. It sounds about right.

The other day, my grandson Ricky, who is only 13, told me he was sick and asked me if he could use some marijuana to help him get better. I was shocked! I said, "Ricky, what do you know about marijuana?" and he said he had once seen some at school. I declare, I just don't know what the world is coming to. I should make him watch the "Reefer Madness" to see what he's getting himself into with this marijuana.

I feel certain if we can get Arnold Schwarzenegger in as our governor, all our problems with marijuana will be solved. I can't imagine Arnold tolerating any sick people getting stoned on pot. Maybe, he'll even make sure that all the kids in school have to watch the "Reefer Madness" show before they graduate. That might be just what it takes to open the eyes of our young people.

by Mabel Perry
July 10, 2003

I read something in the newspaper the other day about a new war we're about to have in Liberia.

This is certainly going to be a challenge to our troops, who just wrapped up the war in Iraq, but it will probably be a welcome change of pace. After all, Liberia is one of the coldest places on earth compared to Iraq, which seemed like nothing but a desert.

When I was younger, they used to say that the Russians sent all the troublemakers to Liberia. It was known as a snowy and icy place where there was nothing to but freeze your patooty off.

I am not sure what the war in Liberia is all about unless all those people who were sent there by the Russians are fighting the government to get out. From the pictures I've seen, it looks like the Liberians are all black people, which I found quite surprising since I thought most Russians were white. If I didn't know better, I'd think Liberia was in Africa and not in Russia.

Once, years ago, Herbert and I went on vacation to Sacramento. Actually, it wasn't much of a vacation. Herbert had a hardware convention up there, and I went along to stay at the Holiday Inn.

Anyhoo, Herbert and I joined some people from his company in the lounge and, well, I'm not much of a drinker since I'm a Christian, but Herbert said he would order something special for me that I would like and it turned out to be something called a "Black Russian." I remember that I sure did enjoy that drink, and the Holiday Inn lounge was so nice and pleasant.

This war in Liberia is supposed to start up any day now. I hope the Fox News channel carries it live. They have such energetic and patriotic reporters. I hope there will be another "Support the Troops" rally too. There hasn't been one in awhile. They sure are fun though, eveyone with their signs and all. Who knows, maybe I'll try to make myself another of those "Black Russians" to get in the mood.

by Mabel Perry
June 26, 2003

The other morning I got up and turned on the TV and saw that nice Chinese girl, Julia Chen, talking on the CBS morning show to two of the girls I watched last season on Survivor.

These two girls, Jenna and Heidi, were on the show right up to the end, and Jenna actually won the grand prize of $1,000,000. I was hoping that I would hear about how they had been using their new found fame to raise money for the homeless or help the poor and unfortunate. To say the least, I was shocked by what these two women have been doing.

Both Jenna and Heidi have turned to a life of sin and pornography. I couldn't believe it. They both looked so wholesome - well, except for that one show where they took off all their clothes in exchange for peanut butter. Besides that and the skimpy bathing suits they both wore, they seemed like real nice girls.

The pornography thing really threw me for a loop but it's true. What's more, they were both proud of the fact that they were becoming strippers for the Playboy Magazine, one of the most disgusting pieces of filth I've ever seen. My late husband, Paul, used to have an old copy of the Playboy that he kept hidden under the mattress. I guess he didn't think I knew about it but, lord, I did change the sheets every week. I would have had to have been pretty clueless not to have noticed the lump on his side of the mattress.

Anyhoo, I've heard that the Playboy has photos of these girls completely nude. I can't help but wonder what drove Jenna and Heidi to take off their clothes. It couldn't have been the money because Jenna won $1,000,000. I guess it could have been the money for Heidi though because she didn't win as much on Survivor.

My little 13-year old grandson, Ricky, was watching Julia interview these two women. I told him how wrong it was for them to strip off all their clothes and act like hussies for photos. He said he couldn't believe they would do such a thing and wouldn't believe it unless he saw it with his own eyes. He then ran off to his room to look at his computer.

I thought that was a good idea. It's terrible that CBS has taken to promoting pornography on their morning show. I can't imagine Ricky finding anything on his computer that's anywhere near as bad as the thought of those two young girls posing for pornography in Playboy.

by Mabel Perry
June 5, 2003

My little grandson, Rick, told me the news about how our country was helping Iraq recover from the terrible war they suffered. It looks like we're going to be helping them choose their next leader. What's exciting about that is that it will be on TV, as soon as the new TV season starts.

Rick said the show was going to be called "America Choice," and it will be on the Fox TV network.

I wonder if the contestants will have to sing and dance, like they do on the "American Idol" show or on the "America's Most Talented Kid." Those are wonderful shows, and it would be such a special thing for us to pick a talented leader for Iraq. I remember back when we had Ronald Reagan for our president. He was a famous actor in my day. Maybe someone like Charlton Heston could enter the contest and become Iraq's president.

From what I hear, anyone can try to get on the show. You don't have to know anything about being a leader of a country. Even kids are welcome to try out, as long as they're at least 13 years old and have their parent's permission. I guess Iraq must be a pretty easy country to run if they're willing to let a little kid do it.

Rick asked his mother if he could run for president of Iraq but she told him he'd miss too much school and that running another country is really hard work. It's not just flying around on the Top Gun planes and shaking hands with people.

Anyhoo, it's too bad we don't pick our own leaders on the TV. I think people would be a lot more interested in voting if they could turn on the TV and see the candidates performing every week. Maybe if they pick a good leader for Iraq, they'll try the idea out here too. We can only hope.

by Mabel Perry
May 22, 2003

I just heard the good news that President Dick Cheney is going to be running for a re-election. I'm so happy to hear this.

President Cheney has done a wonderful job in his first term. We had a simply delightful war that we won. I know because during our bridge game a couple weeks ago, I saw the jet land way out in the ocean. President Cheney's assistant, George, got out of the plane and told the reporters that we had won the war. I'm so pleased because in the old days, wars seemed to go on for years. I like the short wars.

I don't know if they've said who President Cheney's vice president will be yet. It may be that bald man who always talks to the reporters. I think his name is Harry Fleischer. He's always so snappy, a real know it all. I think George would make a better vice president but I don't know if he's very smart. He doesn't talk much.

Someone said George's dad was once the President. I'm not sure I know who they're talking about unless they mean President Kennedy because I believe there is a George Kennedy, but I think he's an actor. I don't think it's the same George as the young man who helps President Cheney.

Anyhoo, I know that President Cheney runs Halliburton, which is real good for them. They get lots of nice benefits from having President Cheney in the White House. Louise Perkel told me that Halliburton now owned all the oil wells in Iraq. I hadn't heard about that but it seems about right. They must have paid a lot to buy all those wells. It's nice that all the soldiers have volunteered to guard the wells from the Iraqian terrorists too.

My ladies auxiliary group from the church is planning to hand out flyers at the mall for President Cheney. The church may even have a ladies luncheon. I wonder if we can get President Cheney or Harry Fleischer to come. It would be nice to have one of them in Bakersfield for a day or two. We'd even settle for George, if he would come.

by Mabel Perry
May 8, 2003

Some people just don't understand patriotism.

Just last week, two of my church friends and I were tying yellow ribbons around the trees on Grove Avenue. If you've driven down the street before, you know how the nicely the trees line up along the road. We thought it would be the patriotic thing to do, you know, to tie a big yellow ribbon around each of the trees.

We decided that Gladys would work one side of the street and that me and Dolores would work the other side. That way, we could get done quicker and go have a lunch at Marie Callendars. We had been tying the ribbons for about an hour when a policeman stopped us and told us we couldn't tie the ribbons around the trees without a permit.

Gladys told him we were patriots, and we were supporting the war. The policeman told us that, "patriots or not," we still had to have a permit. I've never heard of having to have a permit to support a war before.

Well, Gladys pretended not to hear the policeman and kept tying her ribbons. The policeman went over to her and said "Did you hear what I said? You can't put those ribbons on those trees." I thought that was a rude thing to say, so me and Dolores resumed tying ribbons on our side of the street too.

The next thing I knew, we hear Gladys screaming and we look up and see the policeman dragging her across the street by her arm. She was trying to swat at him with her handbag, but she's a little bitty thing and he was huge. He told her to sit on the curb, and then he came for me and Dolores.

I said to Dolores, "Run!" and we dropped our ribbons and started to run but Dolores has to use a cane to walk and I have arthritis in both of my knees so neither of us made it very far before the policeman caught up with us. He told us we were under arrest. Dolores said we were getting "Dixie Chicked." I'm not sure what that means but it sounds about right.

Anyhoo, to make a long story short, the policeman arrested all three of us for "creating a public nuisance" and because he only had one pair of handcuffs and because we had tried to run away, he used all of our nice yellow ribbons to tie us up. We sat on the curb, tied up like Christmas presents, while he went up and down the street snipping off the ribbons we had tied.

My hearing with the judge is set for next week. I sure hope he's a lot nicer than that policeman, and I hope he's a patriot like me and Gladys and Dolores.

by Mabel Perry
March 5, 2003

I was watching the TV the other day and they said that the "Today" sponge was coming back. I thought that maybe this was something new to clean the sink with and I told my grandson, Tom, about it, thinking we could pick one up because the stains from the blueberries I grow outside in my garden can be very hard to get off of my sink but my grandson laughed and told me it wasn't that type of sponge. He said this sponge was a contraceptive.

I nearly fainted. I mean, I thought we were watching a family news show and all of a sudden we go from a story on a rape and murder to a story about contraceptives? I don't know what the world is coming to. My grandson thought it was funny that I didn't know what the sponges were used for, but I told him that in my day, we didn't have things like that and we wouldn't have talked about it if we had, much less put it on the news.

I made him go outside and play with the other eight year olds while I wrote my column. Kids sure do grow up fast these days. It must be from all that MTV that they watch. Tom's mother made him quit watching it when he asked her if he could get his ear pierced.

Anyhoo, I don't know why we really have to have these sponges. Reverend Flabel says the only accepted form of contraception is abstention. He points to Jesus as an example. I would have to agree that Jesus was very good at abstention but Jesus didn't have to look at all those girls on the MTV, parading around half naked, singing songs about who knows what. In Jesus' day, women covered themselves up with long robes and had more dignity.

Maybe, we do need these sponges. After all, times have changed, a lot since my day not to mention Jesus' day. I would like to know if they work to remove blueberry stains though.

by Mabel Perry
February 28, 2003

Last night I stayed up late to watch this new show I've heard some of the young people talk about. It's called "Survivor."

From what I had been told, I thought it would be a group of young men and women camping out, singing songs around a campfire and roasting marshmallows. I quickly learned it was nothing like that. In fact, I have never seen such a horrible display of morals.

First of all, they put the boys in one camp and the girls in another, as I expected they would. After all, this is a show that is on while kids are still awake. Things took a wrong turn, though, when they showed three young women bathing in bikinis in the river. One of the young girls took off her top and was talking about how good it felt. Then, they were talking about the boys in the other camp while they rubbed river water all over themselves. It was shameful!

In the boys camp, they were doing nothing but lusting after the girls, talking about them in the most disgusting ways you could imagine. There's no reason for such trash on television.

One of the young women is a Christian and when her team won the contests, she gave thanks to Jesus. One of the boys in the other camp was making fun of her for this, saying how Jesus wouldn't want to get involved in Survivor games and if he did he would probably want the boys to win because he was a man. Clearly, he was poking fun at this young Christian woman. If Jesus was taking sides in Survivor, I don't think he would have helped a team of sex-starved young perverts either.

The thing that really disturbed me was the teams playing a game to try and win an immunity "idol." The Bible clearly says not to have idols other than Jesus so these two teams playing for an idol was very close to satan worship. Even the young Christian girl was playing to win the "idol," which I found disappointing. People shouldn't have idols because God and Jesus both hate idols. I have written a letter to CBS suggesting that they replace the idol with a large cross with the Survivor logo on it. This would improve the show immensely in my view.

by Mabel Perry
February 25, 2003

At prayer meeting last night, we said a prayer for all the people who died in the night club fire in Rhode Island. It was a terrible tragedy, but one that might could have been avoided.

God's really not all that happy these days with the way people are living their lives. He looks down and he sees people going on the TV half-dressed and women like that Bachelorette flaunting herself in front of a bunch of men and the Grammy awards with people singing about sex and dancing lewdly on the screen. God doesn't like that one bit.

Reverend Flabel says that God punishes people when they do bad things. I guess that's true. Jack Kilburton and Nancy Macklehooney were in our church choir but it turned out they were doing a lot more together than practicing their high notes. When Jack's wife, Martha, came home late one night and caught them in the driveway together in Jack's car, she rammed the back of Jack's car with her pick up truck. It was just horrible! Nancy lost two front teeth and Jack suffered an injury that, well, let's jst say that it's too awful for words but I can tell you that he doesn't sing bass in the choir anymore.

So, see, when people do bad things, God does punish them. I didn't know anyone who's ever been to Rhode Island so I don't know if God had any reason to get involved there or not. Since rock music is the music of Satan, I'm guessing that God doesn't like it very much. Maybe that's why he had to burn down that club. I don't know, but it was a terrible thing.

by Mabel Perry
January 10, 2003

Wednesday night, I went to prayer meeting at the church, and before it started, there was a dinner in the great hall, and I was sitting with some people who were talking about President Bush's new tax plans. I always like to know what President Bush is doing, you know, so I can put it in my column. Somebody said that the dividends we get on our stocks were going to be tax free and how nice that would be.

I agreed that it would be nice, and then someone asked me, "Mabel, did you pay any taxes last year?". Well, I said that I hadn't because I live on my social security and the little bit I get from my utility stocks and I don't have to file a tax return. So, someone else said then you won't really save anything will you, and I said no I guess I won't.

Still, I think it's a good idea. All of President Bush's ideas are good so far. We all like the plan for getting the churches involved in charity work, because we do a lot of charity work anyway and it gives us the chance to talk to heathens about God and save them from eternal damnation. We like the idea of putting the Ten Commandments up in schools too. Someone said they thought President Bush was for that, and I believe I read that somewhere too.

I guess I won't save any money but the tax plan sounds like a good idea for my grandkids. My grandson and his wife both work full time to make ends meet, and I just know they're going to like not having to pay that dividend tax. My granddaughter was working two jobs too until they laid her off at the warehouse last month. She lives mostly on her unemployment and food stamps so I know she's going to be able to get back on her feet by getting to keep all of her dividends.

What I like about President Bush the most is his honesty and the fact that he really cares about the little people, like me, and the fact that he really wants to bring God back into our lives. God bless America and President Bush.