Letters From May, 2004

Dear Editor:

Where have you guys been? It's been way too long since this site was updated?

Sincerely,

David Cole
Albany, NY

David, we always close the office between Memorial Day and the 4th of July. In fact, technically, we're still closed since the 4th of July isn't here yet. But we felt that with all the hype around this Fahrenheit movie, we'd better come back to work early. We've got a lot to do if we're going to convince people to vote for Bush again. What's that old saying? "Fool me once, shame on ... you? You can't get fooled again!" - Editor

Sir:

After seeing "Fahrenheit 9/11" this weekend, can you give me one reason I should vote for that boob Bush again? Sincerely,

Dee Wayland
Topeka, KS

Dee, we can give you plenty of reasons to vote for President Bush. In fact, there are so many reasons, we couldn't even list them here without blowing out our bandwidth. But here's a few of them. First, President Bush is a uniter, just like he said he would be. Just look at how he has united the extreme right and the ridiculously extreme right wings of the Republican Party. Second, he cares about the people. I can't give you any examples of this but Rush said it on his show last week. Third, if John Kerry is elected, we will immediateley become a communist dictatorship, all religions will be banned, and abortions will be mandatory. Is that enough for you? - Editor

Gentlemen:

I like President Bush. He a good man. He killed bad man Hussein. Iraq free like United State now.
Sincerely,

Kalil Mgabi
Lagos, Nigeria Africa

Kalil, we're happy to see that our little paper is popular in the country of Africa, but you know, he didn't actually kill Saddam Hussein. We just have him stuck away in a jail cell somewhere. And, Iraq isn't quite like the United States yet. It's more like Beirut on a bad day. - Editor

Letters From April, 2004

Dear Editor:

I like John Kerry's ideas for Iraq. Mr. Kerry has some very good ideas, sane, sensible and very practical. We need a man in the White House that is trustworthy, educated, and has a vision for the future. What we have at this point is a president whose family has been so financially tied up for generations with the Saudi's, incl. the Bin Laudens, the oil and energy corporations, Enron, that you have to wonder after all the damage to this country in the last four years, how he could think he maintained his objectivity. This is a president who doesn't even read the newspapers for himself, but relies for his information on others. This is a president who long ago lost his commitment to truth and justice for all. This is a president who forgot, or never knew that this country was founded to be run by the people and for the people, not the major, soulless corporations. Whether you believe that Bush is a criminal, or just a misguided fool, deceived by his cabinet and faulty intelligence, he clearly is not a competent president. My question is this: if this country is so much worse after four years of George W. Bush, how bad will it be after eight? Can we afford it? Why would we want to? Isn't it time to let someone else have a turn at the wheel? Kerry is a good, brave, intelligent man. He has been and will be a fine, progressive leader. Our country is at a point where the quality of all our lives is going to be profoundly impacted by the choices we are making today. Make it carefully, my friends.

Sincerely,

Bob Gusmeyer
San Francisco, CA

Bob, we found your letter to be most unpatriotic. I take it you probably have a photo of Osama Bin Laden above your bed. Plus, since I see you are from "San Francisco," I can only assume you are one of those who chose to flount the laws protecting marriage from queers. Go ahead and vote for Kerry, the rest of us will do what is right and re-elect President Bush. - Editor

Sir:

Why do people keep saying John Kerry is a "flip flopper"? Hasn't President Bush done his share of flipping and flopping, such as:

• Bush is against Rice testifying in front of the comission, then he agrees to let her testify
• Bush is against campaign finance reform; then he's for it.
• Bush is against a Homeland Security Department; then he's for it.
• Bush is against a 9/11 commission; then he's for it.
• Bush is against an Iraq WMD investigation; then he's for it.
• Bush is against nation building; then he's for it.
• Bush is against deficits; then he's for them.
• Bush is for free trade; then he's for tariffs on steel; then he's against them again.
• Bush is against the U.S. taking a role in the Israeli Palestinian conflict; then he pushes for a "road map" and a Palestinian State.
• Bush is for states right to decide on gay marriage, then he is for changing the constitution.
• Bush first says he'll provide money for first responders (fire, police, emergency), then he doesn't.
• Bush first says that 'help is on the way' to the military ... then he cuts benefits
• Bush-"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. Bush-"I don't know where he is. I have no idea and I really don't care.
• Bush claims to be in favor of the environment and then secretly starts drilling on Padre Island.
• Bush talks about helping education and increases mandates while cutting funding.
• Bush first says the U.S. won't negotiate with North Korea. Now he will.
• Bush goes to Bob Jones University. Then say's he shouldn't have.
• Bush said he would demand a U.N. Security Council vote on whether to sanction military action against Iraq. Later Bush announced he would not call for a vote.
• Bush said the "mission accomplished" banner was put up by the sailors. Bush later admits it was his advance team.
• Bush was for fingerprinting and photographing Mexicans who enter the US. Bush after meeting with Pres. Fox, he's against it.

Gentlemen:

If God told Bush to invade Iraq because they had WMDs, why didn't God tell Bush wehere the WMDs were?
Sincerely,

Jean Henslow
Asheville, NC

We're in Iraq to bring freedom to the Iraqi people, to create democracy, and to help all those people Saddam killed. I don't know anything about WMDs. - Editor

We have received numerous emails from readers inquiring why the Inquisitor has shifted to a bi-weekly publication schedule. The reason has to do with the availability of our fine staff of patriotic Americans, who donate much of their time during election years to making sure the best Republicans are elected to office. This is a very difficult job, as you might expect, as people need to hear the "Republican version" of the truth over and over again before they accept it as fact. Our staff is dedicated to making sure Americans buy into what President Bush and the rest of his party are selling, not because it's actually true but more because they know what's best for the rest of us. Let's leave free thinking to the other party and hop on board the conservative bandwagon. Face it, it's a whole lot easier when someone else is doing the thinking for you.

In the meantime, check these pages every other week for our own peculiar slant on all the news that is.

In response to numerous letters and emails we have received over the past seven days, the Kern County Inquisitor deeply regrets not having published its regular issue on December 14. As many of you know, this was the day that the earth stood still. It is the day that life as you and I know it changed. It was the day the human race was liberated from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein.

The Inquisitor had planned to publish its regular issue on December 14. As the Inquisitor was preparing to go to press, however, Cletus Mooch was watching the Fox News Channel and when he heard that Saddam Hussein had been captured, he began jumping up and down in the main newsroom. In his exuberance, his head collided with a large beam that protrudes from the ceiling, knocking him unconscious for several hours. When he awoke, he found that he had landed on the Inquisitor's main computer server, knocking it from its connections and badly damaging the case. Cletus's head was just fine.

We're proud to say that thanks to a large donation from a generous benefactor, the Inquisitor is back to its regular publishing schedule, from which we have never in our history deviated before last week.

Letters From November 16 - December 6, 2003

Gentlemen,

I can't believe President Bush had the guts to fly over to Iraq. If you'll excuse me for saying so, that is one guy with a pair of brass ones.

Dirk Hudson,
Fresno, CA

Dirk, we couldn't agree more. It took a lot of courage to make that flight, even if it was kept completely secret and Air Force One was surrounded by a squadron of fighter jets. We all know Iraq has been liberated and the people are now free, but you can't be too careful with a man like President Bush. We understand that he was welcome to stay overnight with the troops but opted to fly back after having turkey with the soldiers. - Editor

Sir,

It sure takes a lot of nerve for the Democrats to question the courage of President Bush, flying into a war zone like Iraq. I'd like to see one of them try it.

Clay Tyler,
Pondsquam, OK

Clay, your letter is similar to thousands we've received over the last week. I personally couldn't imagine a Democrat flying into a war zone. Unless, of course, you're talking about John Kerry, who has a purple heart from his service in Vietnam. Oh, and I guess we can't forget Wesley Clark, who was a former NATO commander. - Editor

Gentlemen,

I would like to know if anyone at your paper is familiar with a film that is circulating around called "Uncovered: The Whole Truth About the Iraq War." Some friends of mine mentioned it and I wondered if it told more about the President's bravery in confronting our enemy.

Dolores Squirrelsfield,
Lincoln, NE

Dolores, Arlin Tompkins has reviewed this film, which is indeed circulating among liberal camps in a DVD form. The film tries to embarrass President Bush for his failure in Iraq and is horribly unpatriotic. It features interviews with a couple dozen experts, including former CIA analysts, former weapons inspectors, and former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Notably absent are experts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Anyone who questions the President, our opinion, deserves to be tried for treason. Avoid this film at all costs. Whatever you do, try your hardest not to click on www.truthuncovered.com to learn more about this film. - Editor

Letter From October 26 - November 15, 2003

Gentlemen,

I am as outraged as you are about the CBS "biopic" about President Reagan. I am insulted that they would dare insinuate that Nancy had any influence over his presidential decisions or that he was a simpleton. I am further infuriated that an ordinary human actor would dare try to portray Mr. Reagan on screen. Well, I suppose Charlton Heston could do it, but not this no name that they got. Is there anything I can do to make sure that this piece of garbage is not seen on Showtime? It is horrible that they had to put this out shortly before this great man dies.

Clark Higgins,
Bakersfield, CA

Clark, there are still grumblings around the Inquisitor's office about this travesty. We take great offense also at the fact that CBS insensitively decided to make this series while the great man is on his death bed. You may take some comfort in knowing that he will likely rise again three days after his death. - Editor

Letters From October 19 - 25, 2003

To Whom It May Concern,

As an assistant campaign manager of Governor Schwarzenegger's campaign and one of his personal assistants, I have to take issue with the story printed in your last issue concerning the Governor's alleged "groping" of the Bush twins ("Bush Visits New California Leader," October 19, 2003). First of all, I doubt that any real "groping" took place. Do you think that President Bush is so clueless that he wouldn't know what his daughters were doing? Second, your use of the word "groping" implies some type of unwanted advance. Let me assure you, as a female staffer on "Join Arnold" campaign, most of the Governor's advances are not of the unwanted variety. Oh, sure, every once in awhile, a girl might complain about having her posterior squeezed or her breasts grabbed, but those are by and far exceptions. The Inquisitor needs to get its facts straight before it's starts maligning the name of a good man like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Name Withheld By Request

Ms. Name WBR, we certainly meant no disrespect to Mr. Schwarzenegger and please consider anything disrespectful printed on these pages retracted. We should have known that scoundrel Gray Davis had put those twelve women up to accusing the Governor of unwanted sexual advances. Mabel Perry is going to be taking a closer look at the Governor's alleged groping activities in a future expose for the Inquisitor. - Editor

Letters From October 12 - 18, 2003

Gentlemen,

I read your article about Tommy Chong being busted for selling pipes. Isn't this a little like busting a gun dealer for selling guns? After all, bongs don't smoke pot, people do.

Mark Ashley
San Francisco, CA

Mark, how dare you to compare a pipe designed to smoke marijuana with a gun. Guns are protected by the second amendment. The last time I checked, that amendment does not protect water pipes. Plus, guns have lots of legitimate use that water pipes do not. You can use a gun to shoot animals, you can use it shoot people under some circumstances, like when they break into your house or are in bed with your wife, and you can put them in a case and just admire them. What can you do with a water pipe other than smoke dope? I mean, a water pipe isn't any good for killing anything other than brain cells. - Editor

Dear Sir,

This is my third letter to the Inquisitor concerning the link to the Rush Limbaugh web site you have on your "Links" page. For the third time, I am telling you it does not link to Rush's site but to a site that makes fun of him. Why must you torment this poor man who is dealing a painful drug addiction and the loss of his radio show?

Peggy Louis
Calabasas, CA

Peggy, I thought the problem with the link to Rush's site was fixed a few weeks ago. Special software engineers spent days working on the problem, which we continue to attribute to a "Java ship" error or something like that. I forget exactly what they said, but it didn't sound good. I'll personally make sure that Cletus Mooch takes another look at this problem again today or tomorrow.- Editor

Letters From September 29 - October 11, 2003

Gentlemen,

I have heard people continue to compare the Iraq War with the Vietnam War. I think this is unfair, given the fact that some 58,000 Americans died in Vietnam. I suppose this is more of the vast left wing conspiracy that I've hear so much about.

Bob Weston
Lawrence, KS

Bob, the fact that liberals are trying to compare the two wars is entirely political. Compared to Vietnam, Iraq has been a walk in the park, except of course for those 300 or so Americans who have died over there. I suppose it's also fair to mention that while 58,000 Americans did indeed die in Vietnam, more Americans have died in Iraq so far than the number of Americans who died in the first two years of the Vietnam War.- Editor

Dear Sir,

Why did you waste your precious space on an article about a porn star running for governor?

Lyle Whitmore
Newport Beach, CA

Lyle, we have no idea what you are talking about. We profiled the top contenders to replace Gray Davis during our exhaustive campaign coverage. Among those we included were Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cruz Bustamante, Peter Ueberroth, Tom McClintock, and Mary Carey, all of whom were serious contenders to replace Davis. If by "porn star" you are referring to Mr. Schwarzenegger's racy article in that Oui Magazine from long ago where he described his sexual escapades and penis size, we think you are way off track. - Editor

Letter From September 19-28, 2003

Gentlemen,

Your paper regularly comes out on Thursday but was not available at either local newsstands or on the internet. What has become of the Inquisitor?

Justin Pauley
Bakersfield, CA

Justin, you will note that the latest edition of the paper is dated September 28, which is a Sunday. In the past, we have published on a Thursday, but circumstances have forced us to publish on Sundays for the time being. Mabel Perry's bridge club now meets on Thursday night, Cletus Mooch's wife likes to watch TV that night, and it just works out better to publish on Sundays. Cletus doesn't mind coming in on Sunday evenings to work on the paper because it gets him out of Sunday evening church services. So, for the time being, check our site on Sunday nights or Monday mornings. Oh, and don't bother with the "local newsstands," as we haven't published a print paper for several years. - Editor

Letter From September 4 - 18, 2003

Gentlemen,

I realize you are in the midst of your five part series on the candidates for governor in the California recall election. You are aware that the recall has been postponed by an appeals court, aren't you?

Clyde McNeil
Modesto, CA

Clyde, we are happy to hear that you are following the Inquisitor's five part series. We hope you'll find it most informative. Know that we are on top of every breaking development taking place around this historic election. With regard to your question concerning whether the election has been postponed by a court, we have asked Cletus Mooch to look into that and report back. Keep reading the Inquisitor for the latest and news on the election. We pride ourselves for always breaking the most important developments first. - Editor

Hello,

I read Mabel Perry's column last week ("Help! The RIAA Is Suing Me"), and I couldn't help but laugh. That old lady must be as crazy as a bat. Her grandson is obviously downloading MP3 music files from the internet, not "loading M3P's" as she notes. I hope she has a good lawyer.

Elvin Reynolds
Las Vegas, NV

The Inquisitor is not at liberty to discuss Mrs. Perry's case. We can, however, disclose that Mrs. Perry has offered to turn "state's witness" in order to avoid prosecution for the music file infractions. Thank you for your concern. - Editor

Letter From August 29-September 3, 2003

Sir,

I purchased one of the George W. Bush action figures that you profiled in your paper last week. For some reason, I cannot get it to talk. I don't know if it's broken or there's something you have to do that I'm not doing. I'd really like to know because I paid $200 to get it on eBay.

Doak Burnett
Waxahachie, TX

Doak, we suspect that you do not have the "Karl Rove Accessory Kit" that is sold separately. This kit contains everything you need to make your Bush action figure talk just like the President. It comes with a compact disc full of wonderful presidential sayings written by Mr. Rove himself. The disc inserts into the crack between the President's... well, you know, in his rear region. Without the kit, I'm afraid your action figure is just a worthless piece of plastic. - Editor

Hello,

I cannot believe your reviewer thought "Bowling for Columbine" was about bowling. By the way, the "fat guy," as your reviewer refers to him repeatedly, is Michael Moore, an Academy Award winner. Where do you find stupid people like this?

Edwin Sturgis, III
Boston, MA

Mr. Sturgis, III, it was an easy mistake to make, given the title of the film. I shouldn't have to remind you that when you insult good people like Cletus Mooch, a barber who served in the armed forces as a barber, you make fun of all Americans. Mr. Mooch has confirmed that you are correct about Mr. Moore being in the film. Mr. Mooch had mistaken him for the late Chris Farley, which, again, we feel is an honest mistake.- Editor

Letter From August 22-28, 2003

Gentlemen,

Will the Inquisitor be endorsing a candidate for governor in the recall election?

Harriet O'Brien
Fresno, CA

Harriet, the Inqusitor will be devoting a future issue entirely to the California recall election and, yes, we will be endorsing at least one candidate. Some of our contributors have differing opinions on who the next governor should be, so we may not be able to recommend just one person. For example, Mabel Perry insists that Gary Coleman is the man for the job if we want "smaller" government. Cletus Mooch is holding out hope that Ronald Reagan may resurrect his political career and enter the race. Keep reading the Inquisitor for all you need to know about the recall election. - Editor

Letter From August 15-21, 2003

Hello,

Your site was all messed up last week. None of the links worked right. All of the editorials were missing. What's up?

Clay O'Reilly
Blanton, OK

Clay, we have received many letters, emails, and phone calls relating to the problem of last week's issue. The Inquisitor has begun an internal investigation into the causes of last week's problems. Currently, there are two diverging theories on why the last issue was such a mess. Cletus Mooch claims that the Inquisitor was "hacked" by Al Qaeda "sleeper cells" that are active in Bakersfield. He has been out at the East Hills Mall searching for clues to corroborate his theory. The more widely accepted view is that Cletus' 12-year old nephew and one of his friends were playing games on the Inquisitor's computer while Cletus was out picking up a pizza and accidentally deleted most of last week's issue. We hope to have the full and complete story soon. - Editor

Gentlemen:

I am looking for a summer job working as an intern at a major metropolitan newspaper. Unfortunately, none of them are hiring. Is the Inquisitor accepting applications for employment?

Josh Burgin
Lancaster, CA

The Inquisitor does not employ interns. Our staff is comprised of seasoned journalists with years of experience. Many of our editors have thought about working for CNN or Fox News, but have stuck with the Inquisitor because they want to continue reaching our large internet audience. My advice to you would be to get a few years of experience working for a paper or cable network, then come back to see us. We're always on the look out for new talent. - Editor.

Letter From August 8-14, 2003

Dear Sir:

I noticed that President Bush has the "Presidency For Dummies" book in the picture you have of him in your paper ("Special Report: Bush Meets the Press," August 7, 2003). I have searched all over for a book like this. Do you know where I can find one?

A. Schwarzenegger,
Brentwood, CA

We are told that particular book is out of print. Homer Wilson has a similar book on running a local gun club that he is willing to loan out, if you promise to return it. - Editor

Gentlemen:

Vince Bellingham writes some of the most odd pieces I have read on environmentalism. Where did this guy come from?

Trey Hugger
Redwood City, CA

Trey, Mr. Bellingham is a former employee of the U.S. Forestry service. He was a victim of liberal policies aimed at protecting the environment at the expense of big business and he resigned under pressure from his position as a forest ranger in 1997. Since then, we have been pleased to have him as a semi-regular columnist. You can read about all of our columnists on the "About Us" link at the top of the page.- Editor.

Letter From July 24-30, 2003

Dear Sir:

As a gay man, I am disgusted by your use of the word "fruitcake" in reference to Congressman Scott McInnis. Must you be so insensitive?

Bruce Weightly Houston, TX

Bruce, the article you are referring to ("The Fruitcake Takes a Punch," July 24, 2003) is quoting Congressman Fortney Pete Stark. We would never insinuate that Congressman McInnis is anything like a fruitcake. Sure, he's a little girly for our tastes, but hey, to each his own. - Editor

Dear Sir:

Why do you have so many liberal web sites on your "Links" page? You should take them off. People who read your paper aren't interested in reading communist sites like "buzzflash" and "bartcop."

Wes Korman Goldendale, WY

We provide links to a number of liberal sites as a service to our readers. Many readers inadvertently visit sites like "buzzflash" and "bartcop" thinking them to be legitimate news sources. We like our readers to know which sites are written for real conservatives, like the Inquisitor, and which ones make fun of conservatives. You'll notice that we have the words "Places to Avoid" above all the liberal links. - Editor.

Letter From The Week of July 17-23, 2003

Gentlemen:

I have heard Donald Rumsfeld say it doesn't matter if we ever find weapons of mass destruction. Saddam was a horrible dictator who needed to die and Bush got him! Yeah Bush!

Carl McDonald Freightsburg, VA

Carl, we have never had a problem with the fact that the President lied about the weapons of mass destruction. We know that Saddam was a bad guy. Arlin Tompkins even heard that he was a Democrat, although we haven't been able to confirm that. - Editor

Dear Sir:

Please cease and desist from carrying the advertisement for the Michael Savage Show on your web site. Mr. Savage has invested a great deal of time and money in creating his image and sites like yours, while good intentioned, are detracting from his reputation and good name.

Arnold Weinberg, Attorney-at-Law, Sacramento, CA

The above letter was sent to us by someone purporting to be Mr. Savage's lawyer but we highly doubt this to be the case. For starters, Mr. Weinberg is obviously Jewish, and we highly doubt that Mr. Savage would hire any attorney who wasn't a white Christian. Second, our advertisements are paid for on the barter system. We run the ad in exchange for publicity from our advertisers. While we do not listen to the Michael Savage show anymore since our cable access channel doesn't carry it, we think it would be a terrible thing to kick a man while he's down and discontinue his ads. So, for now, the ad stays, courtesy of the Conservative Republican Action Perogative of Kern County and the Inquisitor. - Editor.

Letter From The Week of July 10-16, 2003

Sir:

If the Internet closes as you reported in your last issue (DeLay's Latest Proposal: Let's Close Internet For "Remodeling" July 3, 2003), how will people be able to read the Inquisitor?

Jimmy Dale Robinson Plano, TX

Jimmy, we hope to have the Inquisitor available at fine newsstands everywhere by the time Congressman DeLay closes the Internet. We think it's a fairly unique product and definitely something every conservative should read on a weekly basis. - Editor

Gentlemen:

I have written repeatedly about the fact that the Rush Limbaugh link on your web site does NOT link to the Rush Limbaugh show. After you promised to take care of this problem last time and SAID that you talked to someone at Rush's show, I wrote to Rush personally about this problem. The link on your links page goes to a site that makes fun of Rush and some of the more stupid things he says. Please correct this problem now.

Peggy Louis, Calabasas, CA

Peggy, don't get your panties in a twist. I personally checked with Cletus Mooch, who was assigned to fix this problem, and he assures me that the link is indeed to the Limbaugh site. Could it be that Mr. Limbaugh is simply poking fun at himself? People do that sometimes, you know. It's called self-parody. - Editor.

Letter From The Week of July 3 - 9, 2003

Sir:

I watch CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC regularly. I have seen nothing about a "Star Trek" machine being used by Saddam Hussein to dematerialize his weapons of mass destruction. I fear that this is all coming from someone's imagination.

Wanda McClure, Birmingham, AL

All I can tell you is that our reporters uncovered the story, and we reported it in last week's issue. We can't control what the "major" news outlets choose to report and choose to ignore. We certainly do not make up our news and we deeply resent the insinuation that we do. In fact, we resent it so deeply that we've permanently blocked you from accessing our site again. So, go and watch your CNN and see if we care.

Gentlemen:

Mabel Perry has to be the stupidist person on the planet. Playboy is not "pornography," as she contends, and the Bush girls are dopers - not "apple bobbers." Jeez, where do you find people like this?

Nick Randman, New York, NY

Nick, we published your letter to show people how rude and inconsiderate people from New York can be. Mrs. Perry is a valued member of our community and of our editorial staff. She does become confused every now and then, but who doesn't? Some of us still look back with fondness on the days when you could read a wholesome magazine or watch a family TV show without being bombarded with boobs and backsides. Plus, there's absolutely nothing wrong with apple bobbing. You should try it sometimes. - Editor.

Letter From The Week of June 26 - July 2, 2003

Sir:

I would have to think that the one person who cannot be appreciating all the attention homosexuals have been getting is Vice President Cheney. He must be horribly embarrassed that his daughter is a lesbian.

Wendell Johnson, Temecula, CA

I am not sure why you think Vice President Cheney would have any discomfort over the recent Supreme Court decision throwing out sodomy laws or the suggestion from the Senate Majority Leader that gay marriage be made unconstitutional. His daughter, after all, is a lesbian. As we understand it, "gays" refer only to men. We have no reason to believe that Senator Frist has any objection to women marrying each other or doing anything else with each other, as far as that goes, since women with women is far less disgusting than the idea of two men together. - Editor.

Gentlemen:

I liked seeing the picture of Arnold and those boobs. Where did they go?

Ricky Perry, Bakersfield, CA

Ricky, the boobs violated Bakersfield's community standards concerning obscenity and had to be removed. We asked for and obtained a ruling from the Bakersfield Mayor Harvey Hall confirming this to be the case, and Mayor Hall did indeed confirm that within the city limits of Bakersfield, cleavage is acceptable and thighs are fine up to a point, but boobs like those in that picture of Arnold are definitely to be avoided at all costs. - Editor.

Hello:

I find it stupid and idiotic that you would suggest that our President, a war hero who landed on an aircraft carrier, could possibly be attacked with a Segway scooter. You clearly have very little respect for our brave commander-in-chief.

Glenn Hubbard, Lincoln, NE

Glenn, it's like this. He fell off the Segway. We didn't make that up. There are pictures showing it happened. This isn't to say that the President, whom we deeply admire, isn't a bona fide war hero. Anyone who flew antique planes in the Texas Air Guard (or was it the Alabama Air Guard or maybe the Texas Air Guard, Alabama Division -- I don't think it really matters) is AOK by us. Heck, a lot of people similarly situated would have skipped out on their guard duty and done drugs and chased hookers in Mexico, so we have to give the President some credit for not taking that route. - Editor.

Letter From The Week of June 20-26, 2003

Dear Editor:

I was shocked and appalled to read the Inquisitor this week and find a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger surrounded by naked breasts. Is your publication becoming one of those Internet pornos? If so, please cancel my subscription!

Dolores Keats, Bakersfield, CA

Dolores, please accept our apologies for the oversight. We have been overwhelmed with mail complaining about the sight of Mr. Schwarzenneger surrounded by boobs. This photo should have been censored but appeared in its uncensored state by oversight. Please know that the editor in charge of overseeing our graphics has been summarily relieved of duty. We recognize that many middle schools use the Inquisitor as required reading material so that students can be apprised of current events. We are usually very careful about our content and promise to be more so in the future. If you're curious, the uncensored photo can be viewed here - Editor.

Hey:

I sure do hope we get rid of Gray Davis and bring on the Terminator. We need a guy like him to rescue us.

Davey Miller, Hopkinsville, KY

Mr. Schwarzenegger will receive the endorsement of the Inquisitor if and when he becomes the Republican candidate. We fully support the "Recall Davis" efforts and believe our state never would have sunk into such a fiscal morass if not for the policies of former Democratic governor Pete Wilson and Democratic supporters like Enron. Thank goodness that President Bush came to the rescue last summer and helped us control our energy crisis. - Editor.

Letter From The Week of June 13-19, 2003

Dear Editor:

I find it ridiculous that people who don't pay taxes expect to get a refund. It makes no sense to me. I have heard Rush say the same thing, so I know the view is widely shared. It all comes down to liberals wanting a hand out.

Mac Walsbury, Des Moines, IA

Mac, we agree wholeheartedly with you. So does our columnist, Fred Bockhauser, who this week chronicles the courageous efforts of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to fend off those who would pass legislation to help the "working poor." Sure, the poor people pay a disproportionate share of sales taxes, vehicle taxes, property taxes, gasoline taxes, cigarette taxes, or social security taxes, none of which ever get cut, but we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that they don't pay "income" taxes and therefore shouldn't expect relief. - Editor.

Gentlemen:

You know, I wish people would quit bugging President Bush about the failure to turn up weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I mean, who really cares anymore? C'mon, you know, like whatever!

Cindy and Ross McWhooter, Newport Beach, CA

We agree. The whole weapons of mass destruction thing is so yesterday's news. So what if the President lied to us. We think it takes a lot of guts to lie to a whole nation. Besides, he didn't lie about sex, did he? And no one died, did they? Oh, they did? Hey, we need to run. Fox is showing a rerun of American Idol's finale tonight and we need to see if Ruben wins again.

Letter From The Week of June 6 - 12, 2003

Dear Editor:

I think it's wonderful that Alabama has taken such a tough stand on sex toys ("Alabama Cracks Down on Sex Toys," June 5, 2003). I only wish that our leaders here in California would crack down on them too. We have a lot worse than vibrating phones out here, you know.

Denise Rawlings, Bakersfield, CA

We know exactly what you mean, Denise. When Cletus Mooch showed Reverend Flabel some of the things they sell over at the Pink Pussycat in East Bakersfield, the Reverend became so outraged that he started a campaign to rid Kern County of all sex toys. You may have heard of it. It's called "Just Say No To Dildos," and contributions can be sent to Reverend Flabel's attention here at the paper - Editor.

Gentlemen:

I just read last week's issue. Are you saying the Jessica Lynch rescue was faked?

Greg Dillman, Waxahachie, TX

Greg, "faked" is a very strong word. If you read the story in question ("Bush Extends an Olive Branch to Hollywood Liberals," June 5, 2003) again, you'll see we never meant to suggest that the rescue of "Jessica Lynch" was faked. To imply otherwise would be to say that the story was something similar to what happened in that "Wag the Dog" movie, where what was reported as news was actually created by movie makers with actors. In this case, I can attest to the fact that I personally saw Fox News report the rescue and the "Live from Iraq" banner was on the screen right below the large waving American flag they keep in the right hand corner during their news broadcasts to remind you of how patriotic they are. I also read Jayson Blair's story in the New York Times confirming that the rescue did indeed happen. It's too bad we can't hear directly from "Jessica Lynch" but it's rumored that while she's happy to back home, she can't remember a thing about being "captured" or being "rescued." I guess we'll just have to trust the fair and balanced reporting of Fox News and the integrity of Jayson Blair that the story is exactly as it was reported. - Editor

Letter From The Week of May 30 - June 5, 2003

Gentlemen:

Hurd Hobson made some excellent points in his editorial "The Republican Broadcasting Network Is Coming." There's way too much smut on TV for my taste and if fewer choices will change things, then I'm all for it. I say, thanks to the FCC for letting the big companies control the media.

Carol Ann Poovey, Crawford, TX

Carol Ann, you sound like a person with a good head on her shoulders. We think fewer channels are better too. Why, we'd even be okay with one single channel. It worked for the Russians for all those years. While we also share your views on eliminating smut from the tube, we are mindful that Rupert Murdoch is likely to be the last man standing. While Mr. Murdoch is extremely devoted to right-wing causes, he also puts out shows like "Temptation Island" and "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire." Then again, we all compromise our principles every once in awhile to make a buck, and sex on TV does sell. - Editor

Gentlemen:

I am the web master for Rush Limbaugh's web site. You have a link on your "links" page to a site that is not Rush's site. Rush is very upset that you are leading people to a site that makes fun of his weight, his anal cysts, his draft dodging, his failure to vote, and his utter lack of coherence. Please remove the link or change it so that it links to the real Limbaugh site or legal consequences will follow.

Mike Davenport, New York, NY

Legal consequences? Hold on there, Mike. We're doing you guys a favor. We provide a link so that our readers can find Rush's site because we know quite a few of our readers like to listen to El Rushbo for their news and opinion. In fact, some of our readers don't read the paper or watch the news - they depend entirely on Rush. If there is a problem, rest assured we will correct it pronto. By the way, we'd love to have Rush do a guest column sometime. We'd even be willing to fly him out to Bakersfield and put him up at the Comfort Inn on Buck Owens Blvd. - Editor

Letter From The Week of May 23-29, 2003

Sir:

I read an article on the internet today that said the White House never believed there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but that was the easiest way to gain popular support for the war. If that is the case, I feel deceived, and I am not sure I can support President Bush in the next election.

Marshall Winters, Des Moines, IA

Why are you even still talking about Iraq? That war is over. Didn't you see the "Mission Accomplished" banner hanging on the ship the day President Bush announced we had won the war? What were you doing, watching the BBC or Al Jazeera? As for the weapons of mass destruction, I don't know why you want to worry about them. No one in the Bush administation is. - Editor

Gentlemen:

I found Dr. Tarkanian's suggestion that being unemployed was actually a good thing to be a little absurd. I lost my job when my company closed the local factory and moved its operations to Mexico. Now, someone does my job for $1.00 a day and no health benefits. Being unemployed doesn't make me fortunate. It just makes me pissed off at the boneheads who passed NAFTA.

Allentown, PA

I can assure you that Dr. Tarkanian was speaking theoretically. His point was that if you're one of the 2.6 million people that have lost their jobs since President Bush took office, you are fortunate in that you don't have to pay any taxes, since you no longer have any income. Have you and your family considered relocating to Mexico or Guatamala? I understand that they have some terrific factories down there, and you can probably even put your kids to work. Sure, there are no health benefits, but just don't drink the water. - Editor

Letter From The Week of May 16-22, 2003

Sir:

I just learned that the terror alert level has been raised to "Orange." Should I be doing anything different?

Clay Beltwood, Hogansville, AR

Clay, that's a very good question. The "Orange" alert or a "Code Orange" as we call it around here, is the second most serious terror alert level published by the Department of Homeland Security. It is only used when the "Yellow" alert level doesn't quite cut it. What we recommend is that every citizen wear orange clothing during a Code Orange. A bright orange sweatshirt with the words "Code Orange" on it and matching sweat pants are a good idea. Better yet, try to get hold of a bright orange jump suit, the kind that prisoners wear. The orange clothing provides a constant reminder to everyone to remain vigilant. - Editor

Letters From The Week of May 9-15, 2003

Sir:

In your last issue, you hinted that President George W. Bush was somehow "AWOL." I hope you are not suggesting that our commander-in-chief and the leader of the free world is a deserter. If so, you may cancel my subscription immediately.

Ross Burton, Leddington, KS

Ross, we certainly didn't mean to intimate that President Bush was anything like a deserter. To be a deserter, he would have had to have gone to war. President Bush avoided the war by signing up for the Texas Air Guard, whose primary duties were to patrol the skies above Midland and Odessa and make sure no Viet Cong dropped bombs on El Paso. As far as I recall, there were no direct attacks on Texas during the Vietnam War, so I'd say the President was successful. Of course, there is that embarrassing part of the President's service record where he "left" his Texas duties and "transferred" to Alabama to fulfill his commitment but somehow never bothered to report for duty. But, since he was flying airplanes that were the equivalent of Model T's, it's not like his presence in the war effort was missed. I mean, even if he had reported for duty, as required, we still would have lost the war - Editor

Dear Sir:

I wrote to you previously to complain about your link to the Rush Limbaugh link on your site. It is not a link to the Rush Limbaugh site but instead links to a site that makes fun of Mr. Limbaugh. Can you please remove this link?

Peggy Louis, Calabasas, California

Peggy, we believe in repairing, not tearing down. We called a repair technician to check into the problem again. We believe it may be a problem with the ASCII coding or the HTML or something like that. We're not sure. Rest assured, Peggy, we will have Rush's link up and running and we hope you will use it as your pipeline to Rushville. Until then, please do not click on that link we have on our links page to the Rush site. It will likely offend your sensitivities. - Editor

Letters From The Week of May 1-8, 2003

Dear Editor:

Is it just me or does Earl Barron bear a strong resemblance to Joe McCarthy?

Bob McGillicutty, Rossville, IL

We'd like to say it's just you, but Earl does bear an uncanny resemblance to Senator McCarthy, something he takes a lot of ribbing about. - Editor

Sirs:

Kudos to Jay Garner for becoming the new ayatollah of Iraq. That's quite a step up from "General." I'll bet Ayatollah Garner finds the "weapons of mass destruction" in no time and makes all those war-hating peace lovers look stupid.

Bud Walton, Blue Mountain, AL

Bud, I hate to break it to you but I don't think we're in the hunt for the "weapons of mass destruction" anymore. That was just a smoke screen to go in and run Saddam out of the country. I think Garner's real job is making sure the oil wells work. - Editor

Gentlemen:

It was so cool watching President Bush land that fighter jet. I bet Clinton never landed a plane like that. Bush looked a little like Harrison Ford, didn't he?

Kitty DeMarco, Waco, Texas

Kitty, yes, he did look like Harrison Ford, now that you mention it. The whole scene reminded us of the climax of a Hollywood film, where the hero announces that he's saved the free world. I would say it ranks up there with Neil Armstrong stepping foot on the moon as one of the greatest moments in American history. - Editor

Letters From The Week of April 24-May 1, 2003

Dear Sir:

I discovered your "newspaper" several weeks ago and have been reading it ever since. I did have one question though concerning your link to the Rush Limbaugh site. I am not sure this is Rush's real site because some of the things make fun of Rush. For example, one of the things I read was talking about how Rush avoided service in the Army because of an anal cyst. Can you check this out?

Peggy Louis, Calabasas, California

Peggy, we've noticed the same problem with our link to the Limbaugh site. We placed a call to the Rush Limbaugh program to have them verify that our link was to the actual Rush Limbaugh program web site. What we discovered was what you suspected. It appears that our system was "hacked" and someone who thought it would be funny to put up a site that made fun of El Rushbo. We fail to see the humor in making fun of someone else's life work or their anal cysts. Rest assured that the problem should be fixed by the time you read this. Thank you for your readership and support and continue using our site as the gateway to the Rushateria - Editor

Although you are correct that Mr. Sheen portrayed likeable conservatives in each of those three films and even killed several liberals in both "Young Guns" and "Navy SEALS," Mr. Mooch still maintains that the films themselves were crap and sticks by his "Breakfast Club" recommendation. - Editor

No, we're a figment of your imagination. Maybe we should ask the same thing to you but, of course, we can't because you didn't sign your mail. We have indeed been in existence continuously since 1926, as our online history reveals. If you weren't so busy eating "French" fries, listening to your Dixie Chicks records, and attending anti-American, Saddam-loving peace rallies, you might have noticed us on the internet or at one of the "pro-troop" rallies we have sponsored in Bakersfield. Our last rally was held at Wherehouse Music. About 200 of us went in and bought Dixie Chicks CDs, then we threw them on the ground in the parking lot and had Cletus Mooch run over them with his pickup truck. It was a huge success and show of patriotism, despite the fact Cletus suffered two flat tires from the broken plastic CD cases.

Kevin, your local Communist Party must not be having any functions this week or else you wouldn't have time to raise such anti-American sentiments in this good forum. In case you hadn't noticed, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait are our friends. We like them. We don't need to democratize them. Some countries can get by without being democratized but I think you know this are just baiting us with your socialist, Binladin worshiping rhetoric. Maybe you should spend some time reading recent history, Kevin, starting with 9/11. The people that hijacked those planes and flew them into the World Trade Center were all from Baghdad -- Iraqi citizens every one, trained personally by Saddam Hussein and his horrible sons, Ebay and Quisp. Secretary Powell made this crystal clear in his U.N. presentation that you likely missed. - Editor